Halloween

This year Aidan was a race care driver. Now he was rearing a Moto Cross costume but trust me, he was a race care driver.

Asher was a skeleton. With broken ribs. He ripped a big chunk off right before we headed out.

The costume was a tad tight. Kinda looked like he was wearing scuba gear or bicycle pants.

I was just me. A witch, hee hee hee. The Sexy Beast wouldn't let me wear the mask except to take one photo cuz he said I looked ridiculous. I think it's hawt!

After we did our trick or treating we came home and Aidan took over candy duty. I can't say for sure how much of it he ate while he was out there but he certainly enjoyed himself.

We cooked up a Papa Murphy's pizza and watched some Olivia before the boys hit the sack. How they are sleeping after all that sugar is beyond me.

And finally, a few of the best things I overheard throughout the evening...

One of Aidan's friends who came by our house when we were giving out candy, Thanks, Aidan, you're the best friend I ever had!

Little girl in a Cinderella costume, Hey, can I come in your house? Aidan said Yeah.

When we ran out of candy to give out the Sexy Beast jokingly said We can give your candy to them if you want. Aidan stopped a second and then said Mine?!?! Well, ok. And he did!

Aidan Clearly Doesn't Have A Future In Calendar Making

Mama, this is the last day of Octover. Did you know that?

Yep. What is the next month?

I don't know but we change months. We change years, too.

Well, not until after Christmas. What year is it now?

2009

Right! What year will it be next year?

Um, 2008.

No, what comes after 9?

Oh, 10!

So what year will it be next?

10:30!

Review Coming Soon and a Giveaway... Gasp!

For the past few weeks Aidan has been devouring this new 3-D virtual world at JumpStart.com. Maybe a bit too ferociously. He's basically writing this review all on his own but I'm still gathering photos and video and taking notes on the crazy stuff he says while playing it. In the meantime I'm starting the giveaway. The winner will receive a free 3 month membership to JumpStart.com.

In order to win you must first leave a comment here telling me that you at the very least clicked over to see what this was all about. No, I have no way of telling if you did it or not but you'll know you're a liar and a cheat so don't do that, mkay? This is the qualifying entry so if you do all the extra entries without doing this one, well, that would be silly.

For additional entries you can
1. Follow Martians on Blogger - leave a comment here saying you did this
2. Follow me on Twitter - leave a comment here saying you did this
3. Tweet this giveaway *1 time per day*- leave a comment here saying you did this (link to the tweet)
4. Post this giveaway on your own blog - leave a comment here saying you did this (link to the post)
5. Write a blog post detailing all the reasons I'm the best blogger you've ever read and how you know I'm gonna overtake Dooce any day now. Ok, this isn't officially an entry but if you do it chances that I pick your comment as the winner are greatly improved in your favor. Shhhh!

Okay, boys and girls, let's get this party started. Contest ends Friday, November 13. Now it just so happens that I'm gonna have some semblance of a life that day so I'll announce the winner that weekend and contact that person my email. Good luck!

He's Eating Into Our Retirement Fund. I Kid, We Don't Actually Have One But Still...

I knew it was time for Asher to poop so I tried to wait a while *you know, so as to save a buck or two on diapers* even though he was beginning to sport one of these

Don't judge me!

Eventually I relented and changed him. I kid you not, 2 minutes later I hear a familiar grunt from behind the couch. I peek over to see Asher's personalized version of this

the dreaded Poopy Face.

Why does he do that!?!?

Some People Have A Maid...

...I have Asher

What Do You Think Wednesday?

Is he Mini Me or Dr Evil? Mini Dr Evil? Sounds about right to me.

The Banter Of Lovers

The Sexy Beast asked me the other day When are you gonna finally break 200 followers? and I was all Shut up! People read me! I don't need 200 followers to be complete! but inside I was all yeah, why the F don't I have 200 followers?!?! So in retaliation tonight we were watching Diners Drive-Ins and Dives and SB mentioned that he had something similar to whatever deliciousness they were showing when he was in the Bahamas for Spring Break and I said Oh, well, I'm surprised you remember it. He called me an ass. I feel partial vindication. I'll feel real vindication when I actually hit 200 followers.

MISSING

Two little boys in Small Town Nebraska are desperately searching for their pumpkins that have gone missing from their front porch. These poor boys thought that their treasures would be safe being that this is touted as such a "nice" town. *Cough* Bullshit *Cough*.

Listen up you little wise-ass, teenage pricks, keep your thieving asses off of my porch! I hope you're proud of yourselves for stealing from a toddler and a Kindergartener, you really accomplished something there, congratulations.

Funny Shit From Facebook

I feel a new series coming.

Back story: the married couple were in a wreck with a friend recently, the driver had been drinking. Half of the married couple stopped drinking, half didn't. The names have been changed to protect the guilty innocent. It started around midnight and ended about 9am.

Wife - hanging out listening to the drunk talk....lol.....being sober is sooooooo much fun!!!!!

Friend - So i guess Husband didn't learn his lesson?

Wife - well all the fun is being had right in our house now instead of out in the public...lol.....ive not had a drink in 22 days!!!

Friend - im proud of you. but im sure his fun wont stay in the house to much longer. only a matter of time i suppose

Wife -nope

Friend - well i guess only time will tell. i personally dnt c that happening very much longer.

Wife - thats true......but as long as im around it will stay this way!!!!

(Quickly Becoming Ex) Friend - like i said time will tell. its nun of my business neways. just a sad deal if you ask me

*Misc friends comment and chit chat*

Husband - Sad deal Friend? My life isnt near as sad as your pathetic stupid self! Youre an idiot!

Husband apparently reads some more from Friend and 2 minutes later...

Husband - No one asked you Friend! No one in there right mind would ask you a damn thing!

Husband reading more from Friend...

Husband - Jump off a cliff Friend! Do the world a favor!

Me - Ok, the Husband vs Friend thread might be the funniest shit I've read all year!

I'm Stalking A Tree

It's Fall although you might not know it from the SNOW that has fallen twice this month already! Fall in Nebraska is sorry compared to Fall in Arkansas! However, one of the 6 or so trees that are changing colors here is right down the street. Purty, isn't it? I've probably got 20 pictures of it. Noone's called the police yet and even if they did, can I get in trouble for stalking a tree?

You Really Shouldn't Have Said That

"Mama, did you wash my jersey when I was at school today because I wanted to wear it today but you didn't have it washed and you said you'd wash it so I can wear it tomorrow because I love my jersey and it needs to be washed. So did you?"

It's not all d..

"Well what did you do all day then!?!?"

Excuse me? What did I do all day? Well, your highness, I did laundry and if you hadn't interrupted me I was going to say it wasn't dry yet but it'll be done in a few minutes. Also, after I dropped you off at school I came home and swept the floor where you ate toast, picked up your dishes, washed the dishes, vacuumed, picked up your towel off your bedroom floor and hung it up, picked up your clothes off your floor and put them away, picked up your toys, gathered up your DVD's and put them in the right cases, cleaned up your playroom, made a grocery list filled with the crap you like to eat... well, you get the idea. Shut up!

It's A Long Time Till Spring

This is what it looks like every day where I live. Literally, I am surrounded by corn fields and gray skies.

Which makes me feel like this

I try to get dressed, put on make-up, and do my hair each day but as soon as I get home from picking Aidan up from school my hair is pushed back in a headband, my face is scrubbed clean, and I'm sporting my fave yoga pants - which is hysterical since yoga has never actually been done while wearing them. Sometimes I mix it up and wear multi-colored striped socks or a hot pink headband but that's as edgy as I am these days. Please tell me you guys all look like this, too. Lie to me if you must.

Diego!

A Public Service Announcement

Blogging, aw hell - doing ANYTHING after taking sleeping medication instead of going to sleep is not a good idea. The box clearly tells you: take the pill as you are preparing for bed. I personally believe it should say: you must be IN bed as you take the pill and then immediately lay down, close your eyes and have someone turn out the lights because at this point you are not capable of performing this task.

If you do not go straight to bed you may do one, if not all, of the following things; call your grandma at 2am, or even better, sext your boyfriend but send it to dear old dad or call that bitch who used to be your BFF until the "bloody BFF break up where things were said" and cry. Also, stay away from Twitter, MySpace, email, and Facebook because you will make an ass out of yourself and that shit goes viral wicked quick!

You will waking up feeling all rested and ready to take on the day. And then WHAM! It will start coming back to you in pieces. After the horror fades, the sense of Oh my God, I feel like a complete idiot will set in and ya know what? you are an idiot because all in the world you had to do was lay your ass down and drift off to sleep.

Not that I know from personal experience, of course, this is simply a public notice to keep you from doing dumb shit. You're welcome.

I. Can't. Wait.

to see Where The Wild Things Are. Is it gonna be weird if I go see it alone cuz I don't want my mouthy brats ruining it for me.

Living With A Blogger

I heard Bear Grylls say on Man vs Wild that in the Arctic your body can burn up to 6,000 calories per day. I said Well hell, let's move to the Arctic, I can have all the Baked Cheetos I want! Sexy Beast said, Um, you have to be outside in the Arctic, not just sitting inside blogging. It's not strictly a geographical phenomenon. (I'd also like to note that I just spelled phenomenon correctly the first time)

As soon as it was said I pulled up Blogger and eventually he asks what I'm feverishly typing. I respond with laughter which he knows by now means I'm writing about you on the blog. Then he remarked that living with me is like living with a freak tape recorder that twists and exaggerates his words. Um, honey, everything is potential blog fodder and it's been that way for over 2 years now. When will you be used to it? Men can be so hard to train...

Only In Nebraska...

Corn angels!

This Could Be Uncomfortable

I read a blog and the author asked his readers if any of them had been the subject of an intervention. You know, like the A&E show? I utilized the little red X in the corner of the page cause I wasn't going there on a blog that I only lurk on. The more I thought about it I wondered, should I go there with you. And I don't know. Should I? People in town are finding out about the blog and I'm the new girl in town and I'm joining parenting groups and the Sexy Beast holds somewhat of a high visibility position in the city. I never should have let it get out but it's out and it can't be made unknown again. If I start writing about interventions and alcohol abuse and rehab and drug addictions and hoarding and fecal smearing... people will start talking.


So, the question you are dying to hear about; Have I ever been the subject of an intervention. The answer is... Dum dum dum...

No! What kind of girl do you think I am?

Made you wonder though, didn't I? Now I need you to be honest and say if you thought I had in fact been a part of an intervention. I also want to know for what? What kind of things could you imagine I had done. Note: You don't get rehab for beating your kids, that's jail. Just sayin. Have some balls and tell the truth.

Tee hee hee

Even My Kid's Snot Is Cute

Miley, Blogs, Asher And Housework

Wow. This is actually a news worthy story? Isn't there a fucking war going on? Did any of you even notice the teen queen's absence from Twitter? If so, we can't be friends, sorry. Oh and now Daddy Cyrus is "urging" Miley to return to Twitter. GAG!

Has anyone noticed a trend in mean blogs? Like people who used to be fresh and funny and just the right amount of saucy and you loved them and then they just turned angry and hateful but not the funny kind of hateful? I don't count because this has never been a puppy-dogs-and-rainbows blog, I've always been hateful, it's my niche, that's what I'm good at. I'm talking about blogging nothing but rants about blogging and how much you hate blogging and how much you hate bloggers and how much bloggers suck at blogging. You might be in need of a new prescription for your happy pills, my dear. We're bloggers - by definition we are attention whores. And at one point so were you.

Asher's on a new kick. Everyone's a monkey. For instance, Asher, do you want some apples? No, monkey! Asher, wanna take a bath? Yeth, monkey! When I tickle him; 'top it, monkey! You're the only monkey I know, kid!

Gawd, I'm sick to death of sweeping floors! I honestly sweep our kitchen and dining room a minimum of 4 times a day:
*After breakfast when the kids somehow manage to dump crumbs from banana bread or donuts or waffles all over the floor.
*Right before Sexy Beast comes home for lunch so it at least looks like I've done something all morning.
*Right before SB comes home from work, also for the above reason.
*And finally after dinner when approximately 1/5 of the food I placed on the kids' plates ends up on the floor.
No, the dog is no help. She only eats off their plates, that food hasn't touched the floor. She wouldn't lower herself to eat off the floor...

Move Along, Nothing To See Here

I'm sick and crabby and I have an earache... What am I, a freaking toddler? An earache, really? So there will be no Blog Fart Friday or Fragmented Friday although there maybe a touch of a Fuck It Friday cuz - earache, fuck it! So how about I just send you on to a site that will make you laugh. And if you don't laugh, well you don't make sense to me. So go here and laugh.

This And That And Some Of Everything

*So obviously my last wishes mean nothing to the Sexy Beast. I told him I think I have a brain tumor (I have my reasons for believing this to be true, none of which include a doctor of any sort) but he doesn't grasp the gravity of the situation. I told him after I die he's gonna have to take over the blog. He scoffed and said he'd write one post and it would say "It's Over". I said, fine, then I'm gonna write you out of my will - you'll be losing out on millions! He laughed. Laughed! He obviously doesn't know the potential wrath of blog readers.

*Aidan got his first invite to a party from a schoolmate. Except it was to a slumber party at a little girl's house. He can't understand why he can't go. The boy/girl issue aside, another big reason is because Aidan strips nekkid to sleep so you can imagine that scene going down...

"Bedtime, kids!"

*the collective screams of ten 5 year old girls*

*my phone ringing, high pitched screaming and questions about my parenting*

That would do wonders for my notoriety here, hu?

*This evening Aidan and Sexy Beast were wrestling and as usual, Aidan ended up hurt. He stomped up to his room and slammed the door cuz that'll teach us, right? So I go up there and he's standing there fuming, I mean FUMING! - fists balled up at his sides, gritted teeth - and I said What are you so mad about? And I quote... Because Daddys' such a bitch about everything! I thought I would die laughing! I just ran away. I didn't have it in me to scold him right then and I couldn't let him see me laugh so I did my best. I literally almost peed in my pants! My kid is awesome!

*I miss Lost. There, I said it, I actually miss it. I miss Jack and Charlie and even Sybil, um I mean Kate. I miss Sayid and the island and the monster. Then I found some of the episodes from Season 5 on ABS.com but only about half of them. Why are they trying to make me crazy? I knew I never should have watched that damn show!

*Oh, didn't I say Jon was a douche? Point proven, mkay?

Aren't We The Cutest Little Settler Couple?

You Didn't Think I Was On It, Did You?

these 5 awards I cannot for the life of me find who gave them to me. I have gone through about a hundred blogs, ok 10 but that's a lot!, trying to figure it out. I failed. Don't act surprised. So if you gave one of these to me, please just shoot me the old "you ungrateful bitch..." email and let's be done with it.

from Debra @ It's All Good way back in June. JUNE! I should be ashamed!

both from The Girl With Flour In Her Hair @ Peeling An Orange With A Screwdriver.

from Michelle @ Farmer's Wife.

Via Stacie @ Stacies' Madness.

from Lorie @ The Shewbridges.

Now I know I say I never pass awards along but since I've got one hell of a lot to atone for here, I'm gonna do it.

The current Comment Whores most certainly deserve the Sacrifice Blog Award (#1)

1. Debra (10)
2. Bill and Lorie Shewbridge (9)
3. Woman In The Midst: Raw (7)
4. Farmers Wife (6)
5. L. (4)

#2 Goes out to everyone who follows me via Blogger. That's 184 of you. I imagine the India Tourism Blog author won't accept it but the rest of you better get on your game, mkay? Do as I say, not as I do!

Diane @ Good Mourning Glory and Stacie @ Stacie's Madness receive the I Love This Blog Award (#3)


Melanie @ Don't Expect Too Much and Michelle @ Farmer's Wife get the Zombie Chicken Award (#4)

Krista @ Protect and Provide gets #5 because, well, I don't know, it just reminds me of her and I didn't get a Pregnant, Texting, Blogging Fool Award.

The One Lovely Blog Award (#6) goes to Lorie @ The Shewbridges. She's just... lovely, that's why.

#7, The Over Top Award shall go to those on my Nearest and Dearest, cuz you just wouldn't be there if you weren't a little over the top.

A Daily Dose of Toni
A Mother's Love
Adventures with Skylee
Alpha Delta Whiskey
Bowel Full of Cherries
Jacked up Jungle
Marvelous Misadventures
Ordinary and Awesome

Protect & Provide

The Tornado That Is My Life

The last 4 awards - World's Greatest Read, Awe-summ, J-Adore Tien Bien, and Who Love's Ya, Baby - go to those lovelies on my blogroll.



There, are you people happy? Am I forgiven? Geez!

No, really guys, thank you. I do love getting the awards, honest.

I Know I Ask A Lot But I Need The Help

You know how I said I had a bunch of awards to formally accept but explained rather eloquently how I hadn't gotten to them but I had every intention of it in the run on sentence that would not end that you all found so very endearing and therefore forgave me for being such a schmuck? Yeah, um, I lost some of them. I have the images but I lost the emails telling me who gave what. So how about you do a schmuck girl a favor and shoot me an email or leave a comment and tell me that you are the one who took time out of her busy life to bestow so and so award to me and how I Dooced you and ignored it but you will forgive me if I get my crap together and accept the damn thing and maybe possibly actually follow the rules and pass it along like every other decent blogger in the universe. I'd be eternally grateful.

I Take Offense To This

Thursday Thirteen

I've been watching Lost for 8 days straight. I'm almost done with Season 4. All of a sudden Sawyer's hot and Jack's not... go figure. So how about a Lost Thursday 13


Thirteen things/people I can't stand on Lost


1. Smoke Monster - cuz really, a monster? How can that possibly be explained rationally? Lame.


2. Nikki and Paolo - so who was the actress playing Nikki screwing to get that little story line in the show? That whole episode was wasted. Lame.


3. Flash Forwards in Season 4 - seeing the character's pasts is cool but this forward thing, no. Thanks for ruining Jack for me. Lame.


4. Ben - what a nasty little weasel of a man. Lame.


5. Time Travel - what!?!? That is dangerously close to Jumping the Shark. Lame.


6. Kate - still with the doe eyes? I know you're the chick-hero of the show but I'm not feeling it. Lame.


7. Jacob - invisable? Really? An invisable man? An invisable man that is the leader of the Others? Really? Lame. Really lame.


8. Locke - you are pissing me off. What exactly is your malfunction? Talk about Daddy issues. Sawyer did your dirty work for you, quit being such a pain in the ass. Lame.


9. Dharma Initiative - what are you? I don't get it. Not at all. Lame.


10, 11, 12, 13, and 14. Charlie dying - you guys SUCK! Why would you do that? I was slinging snot for half an hour over that crap. Take Jack instead. Or Kate. Lame. And sad. (Yeah, I know there are supposed to only be 13 but I really hate it!)


I could also do a Thursday Thirteen on the things I haven't done because I've been watching Lost.


1. Laundry
2. Cooking
3. Gone to the recycling center
4. Returned ANY calls
5. Gone to the gym
6. Taken the kids for a walk
7. Made my bed
8. Dust anything in the house
9. Posted any updates to Facebook that didn't have something to do with Lost
10. Painted my toenails
11. Put out Fall decorations
12. Emptied the dishwasher
13. Bathed - kidding. Kinda.