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Answers Please

I'm looking into reviewing a novel and passing a few on to my readers in a giveaway. My question is would you rather have the actual, physical book to hold in your hands or an e-book to read on your computer that I know you love so much?

And yes, another review and I know I said I hate reviews but I love to read and getting to read a new book for free, well, I'm nothing if not opportunistic!

Twitter Lists

When I first saw that we could make lists on Twitter I was all Oh hell, instant blog fodder! And then everyone else had the same idea. I had it first so I'm doing it anyway.

First, my lists are private because, well, despite my telling everything I know to the internet - all 6 of you who read it - I don't want everyone knowing how I categorize them. I'm mysterious like that. Plus, people get their skivvies in a bunch over getting put on the wrong lists and I've got enough pissing and moaning to deal with from Anonymous.

I'm working on my lists though. You know, like People I Know IRL, Mom/Dad Bloggers, Tweeters that Make Me Laugh So Hard I Pee, etc... I'm building up my Skanks Who Want Me To View Their PornCam and Complain So Much I Want To Cut Their Wrists For Them lists. It's fun, creative even! I'm on a few public lists and they're all pretty generic; Mom Bloggers, Girlfriends, Bloggies, and Would Fuck.

Wait, what!?!?

Yes, I'm on a Would Fuck list. The Sexy Beast was all No mother-fucking way! Does he know you can see that? Block that guy!

Fall Photos

I Cry

You know how some people cry at commercials, the FTD Flower commercials and the like? Yeah, who else got teary at this one?

I can't listen to this song without slingin' a little snot.

This is the first movie that I ever remember making me cry and I'll never watch it again.

And then there's always the stand-by "I don't have anything to wear", "my hair looks crazy", and "why won't this fucking pimple go away already" cry inducing moments regularly. I even cry in my sleep. Not just crying but all out wailing, and sobbing. Hmmm, maybe someone needs to up her dosage of anti-depressant?

We're All Going To Die. Except Aidan...

...and he's the little bugger who brought the freaking swine flu home! The Sexy Beast is sick, home from work and pretty pissed off about it. It's like the second time he's ever missed work in the 8 1/2 years I've known him. Asher is sick. He's got a fever and has had one for 2 days because he refuses to take medicine. He doesn't sleep - as evident by this 2am blog post - so I don't sleep. I've got the worst sore throat I've ever had and a fever so I'm freezing and then sweating and Asher simply HAS to be ON me EVERY SECOND... So yeah, poor me, mkay?!?!

We kept Aidan home today despite him feeling all better because how can that be possible, it's H1N1, how can he only be sick one day with it? He's going in the morning cuz one well child and the 3 of us sickies stuck in the house was no bueno. Aidan can't understand why we don't all want to play. BECAUSE YOU GAVE US SWINE FLU!!!

There's really no point to this post, just a pity party. However, on the plus side, I haven't held vomit in my hands today. Why do I do that? It never stops the puke from getting everywhere and it makes me throw up, too. There's a serious flaw in that particular motherly instinct.

Dog #1, Fail

Before we got Lexi we had another dog from that rescue. Brisco, a beautiful 6 year old German Shepherd. He was an asshole. He refused to be in the same room as us and he barely tolerated Aidan but if we disciplined Aidan, he'd try to bite us. And he hated my guts. Like I said, asshole. After a few weeks of his nonsense we got hooked up with a "dog behavior expert". We laughed about calling a dog whisperer. But she was no Cesar.

This woman shows up at the house and meets Brisco, we show her the issues we want her to work on and she pulls out her bag of tricks. Ace bandage, dog training clicker, and a whole bunch of dog psychology mumbo jumbo. I wish you could have seen the look on the Sexy Beast's face while this was all going on. The highlight of the tutorial involved the ace bandage. I swear on my laptop she suggested and demonstrated that in order to make the damn dog, who was lucky to have a home, hello RESCUE DOG!, feel comfortable and accept us that we basically need to swaddle him. With a big ass ace bandage. Around his balls. Yes, surely emasculating the big bad male dog with an ace bandage would make him love us. Duh, why didn't I think of that? Brisco looked at us as if to say as soon as I get this thing off my balls, I'm going to rip your throat out. I kept my ass away from him for a while after that because I was most definately his least favorite person in our family. You know the tension in the air when you're in a room with someone you don't like and they know you don't like them and so they don't like you and you both throw off your best you don't exist to me vibes except you both totally exist to eachother in the sense that the resentment between you is dripping off your faces? Yeah, that's how Brisco and I spent our days. Good times. But I'm a pleaser and I really wanted it to work out so I clicked that thing at that bastard all day long and gave him his weight in treats and kissed his ass in countless other ways. Then I took the last piece of the Dog Emasculator's advice and I paid $65 on what was essentially a plug in air freshener except it sprayed out pheromones of 2.83 year old female polar bears in heat or some shit into the air to "calm" Brisco.

No, go ahead and laugh. The guy who took the order for that thing could barely contain his laughter.

Anyway, that asshole didn't appreciate our efforts, I think I heard him say I'm never going to love you, you suck, I'd rather live on the streets than live with you. We didn't send him into the streets but I waved goodbye happily as he left to go stick his nose up at another family. A few days later Lexi walked into our house. And she's not an asshole.

To Vaccinate Or Not To Vaccinate

I've been going over and over the latest debate, the H1N1 (or high-nie as my father calls it) vaccine and whether or not to have my boys get it. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate, that is the question moms are judged by this season. And if you're an idiot and decide to vaccinate, do you get the mist or the shot? Be clear, I'm not saying you're an idiot for getting the vaccine but apparently I am for even considering it according to some dumbass on Twitter. Obviously, I'm crushed... fucking douche.

If you've read this blog very long at all you know a few things. First, Aidan has the potential to make anything difficult and in doing so making me crazy. Second, I go to great lengths to avoid those situations unless I'm way low on blog fodder. Third, those lengths I speak of are sometimes, how shall I say this, borderline unethical - although some of you secretly wish you had the balls to do it. And fourth, unless you have taken over responsibility as Aidan's mom for a minimum of a week and therefore have the ever so slightest clue what you are talking about, I don't give a shit what you think about it. And I'm totally talking to you, Anonymous, you judgemental bitch.

Aidan is probably not going to get vaccinated. Not for H1N1 or the seasonal flu. This day is still vivid in my memory a year and a half later and there was a similar scene when he was tested for TB before starting school this year. I'm still not sure those traumas were worth it. The school is providing the H1N1 shot free and I signed the form saying Aidan could be vaccinated. I also attached a note that said Good Luck. Look, I want him vaccinated I simply don't have the resolve to physically go through getting him vaccinated. And the way I look at it, if he gets sick, well, he's quiet and sweet and still and calm when he's sick and how can 3 days of that be all bad?

*Disclaimer: Do not assume I am callous and awful and that I don't know that so many children have died from H1N1 this year. I'm not making light of that at all. I know that loss, there's nothing light about it.

PS Mere hours after I wrote this post Aidan was confirmed to have H1N1. Karma is swift with me. Awesome.

I Don't Want To Hear It

I don't want to hear about "prairie doggin'" or really anything that has to do with poop. Or farts. This really applies to adults. And one my nephews. And Aidan's farts. Kid poop in general doesn't bother me but if I smell an adult's poop or fart, I am pissed off about it. If you tell me to breathe through my mouth I am likely to slap you because breathing through my mouth just means that nastiness is in my mouth instead of just in my nostrils. Seriously, think about it, you smell it because very very small particles of it are in the air. If they are in the air, it stands to reason they are also in your mouth or nose. Gross. The idea of a grown person (I can't even write about it) letting shit come part of the way out of their butt and sucking it back in *shudder* makes me vomit in my mouth a little. If you have done this, please for the love of God, don't talk to me about it. Some things should be left unsaid and you can't unring a bell.

I don't want to hear the C word. You now which one I'm talking about. Now I'll be the first to admit I've used it. Twice. Both times to a man. For future reference, men don't like to be called that. Yet another reason I can never run for public office. The number one reason, this blog. The Sexy Beast would also like me to add that I have also ruined any future he might have had in politics. You're welcome, honey.

I don't want to hear "getting scraped" in reference to either getting a pap smear or an abortion. Even more so in reference to abortion. Must you be so crass? I realize this is the epitome of the pot calling the kettle black but this is my blog so I can both be crass and bristle at crass-ness. Without getting into my feelings on abortion, can I just say eeewww! Am I the only one who wrinkles my nose at that phrase?

So in conclusion; no mention of prairie doggin, the C word, or getting scraped. Some things should be left to white trash to discuss.